I Do what I Want

By Jeff Pamer

I can’t think of a single resolution that I have ever kept. Maybe taking up running, but that has been a lifelong goal, and I don’t think it was ever a resolution. Logic would show that it is only still happening because it wasn’t ever part of promises to myself hinged on the turning of an odometer.

There is still something of a reset button feeling that washes over me every year as the clock slowly rolls forward. I get nostalgic for the time that has passed, and regretful for not fulfilling the potential that I know I’m capable of. What do I want more of out of life in 2023? What will make me happier? What won’t end up being another broken promise to myself, and how do I keep it?

I want to write more, and maybe that means that not everything I write is 100% about Motorcycles. Maybe by sharing more of myself, I will find more to share with others. Maybe it all relates to happiness and going after what we all want out of our lives. Motorbikes are such a great metaphor for that. For so many of us, there are forces from outside of ourselves that question what drives us to take the risk. The only thing that I have ever been able to come up, that isn’t lying to myself, is a pursuit of happiness outside of what will keep us safe all the time. Servicing that side of ourselves and not turning away from it is powerful.

I have spent so much of my life feeling responsible for other people’s emotions. I was taught, through actions, that walking on eggshells around people and appeasing their fucked-up sense of self was the way to be valuable. Motorcycles are the ultimate rejection of that twisted mindset. This is for me, and I honestly don’t care what anyone else thinks of it. Let me be clear too, I don’t ride for that reason alone. I ride because I always dreamed of it since I was a kid.

After learning to walk on eggshells as a child, I made choices at a young age that got me into a marriage with someone who I had to do the same with. At 30 years old though, after I discovered my wife was having an affair, a Triumph in the garage with no explanation said everything about where I wanted my life to go from that point forward. I wanted to smash eggshells.

It took a few years, going through another deception-filled horrible ending of another marriage, and a few thousand dollars in billable therapy for my brain to catch up to that grand gesture in 2010. Life isn’t a movie, and you don’t change mental hardwiring with a dramatic scene. It takes work, being self-critical, self-acceptance, being uncomfortable, and at the end of all that, finding a way to love yourself. The way you are, and the way your life turned out, isn’t anyone’s fault but your own at a certain point. The less-than-ideal parts of our pasts don’t permit us to blame our struggles on everyone and everything we let into our lives. You’re the gatekeeper of your life, I choose what and who I let in. All this to say, I’m not interested in smashing eggshells anymore, that feels like going out of my way to be mean. I move through life at my own pace, drawing out my lines in the sand as I go. Making myself happy and showing myself kindness, and through that, I may walk on someone’s eggshells. They can fall off and hang out with someone who doesn’t if that’s the case, because I may not be everyone’s brand.

So, for Inner Motorbike 2023, I want to shake things up a bit. I’m going to write more, but I’m going to add new sections. There will be some write-ups that are just things I thought about on a ride. Sharing some thoughts, and perspectives and being a bit vulnerable at times. I hope someone out there can get something valuable from that, but at the very least, I think I will. I want to do some content on getting my CB running and try to do some light touring on it. I’m sure there will be some fun what not to do stories coming with that. I’d like to write more historical essays about some interesting people and motorbikes. Finally, to spend some time talking to other people who ride and maybe telling their stories.

Riding into 2023, I hope everyone out there is doing something for themselves. Something that no one else gets, and some judge you for. I hope you find out that people who matter will stick with you regardless. You may also find out that the people who don’t hang out were never meant for you, and that’s ok.

Happy Christmas Time and New Year to all, and thank you for reading this self-indulgent “motorcycle” article. As a final thought, I invite everyone to steal a line that I stole from my amazing girlfriend Christine, and I have now adopted as words to live by:

“I do what I want”

Cheers,

Jeff.